Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal