[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
You Might Also Like
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.