Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.