Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Something Saturday.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean