Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
March 16
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.