Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
You Might Also Like
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Just a phase…
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart