*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.