I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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Breaking news:
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.