Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]