One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”