Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap