If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
whatcha thinkin bout
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week