this is so top tier i cant
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Stop it! 😂
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
everyone has that one prude friend
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms