me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.