Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Thinking about Jeff
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.