Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.