Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.