Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend