I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain