“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
let’s discuss
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Come back with a warrant
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”