“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Every time my phone rings
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP