[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!