I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Is….Is this an option?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I鈥檝e never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that鈥檚 not my rule to enforce
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
Pat is about to own someone
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
it鈥檚 called boxing because smash mouth was taken
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I鈥檓 good.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don鈥檛 shut up I鈥檒l turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
鈥o, YOU shut up.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they鈥檙e still arguing about it.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it鈥檚 that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.