*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.