I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.