Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.