Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You Might Also Like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
In space, no one can hear…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.