You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.