lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Sing it!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd