We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane