Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”