My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Admin smashed it 😂
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.