[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
what’s the point then??
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.