Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it