how many bears make up a bear minimum
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.