hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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me as a parent
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz