[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…