“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.