I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
For those that worship cheese..
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.