My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what