Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.