If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.