Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.