me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
You Might Also Like
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.