I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.