Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
North and South
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.