Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️