Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.