I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names