Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.